i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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