remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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