It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
