Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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