WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
