my mouth tastes like poor choices
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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