I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
