Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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