you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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