I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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