turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
