this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
