i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
