When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
