If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
