Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
