He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm like, not good at living.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
