Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
