Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
