i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
