Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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