For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My vagina just clenched in fear
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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