i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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