some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
