I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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