I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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