Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
