I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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