Already got asked if we're dating
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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