youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
