We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
