yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
