Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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