I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
