I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
