I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
