I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
