I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
