So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
