you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
