im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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