She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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