Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I had to cum in my sink.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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