Don't make out with my wife yet
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
