I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
zippers are such a cool invention
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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