i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
