why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
