God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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