i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
