and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
