When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
