I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She's JV to your varsity
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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