I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
