I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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