dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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