So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
