hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
