I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
