i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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